Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
