What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I think I sprained my soul last night
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
