Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
