i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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