How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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