i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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