So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
i need some magic done to my vagina
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
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