Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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