On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
