she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
