I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
