New invention idea: vibrating tampons
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
