So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
