So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
you made out with another girl for some wings
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
