I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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