There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
