mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
