its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
