i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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