no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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