TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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