I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
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