When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
