its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You pole danced in your parka.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
