If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Found your dick twin last night
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
