Soap is not a condiment
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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