i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
