hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
