when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
