Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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