I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
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The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
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I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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