and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Damn victory sex feels great
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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