Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
