dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
