dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
