I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I want to fling myself into the sun
That's how pantless uber rides happen
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
