I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
