I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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