I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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