Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
my shit smells like andre
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
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