Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
