I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
