Please, let me fuck your mom
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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