You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
