I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
