The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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