where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
