All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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