Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
