i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
