see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
