Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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