My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
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