It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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