Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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