A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
