if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
